Today, we're finding out what the B in BDSM stands for. That's right, we're talking bondage, baby.

We reached out to Rake, a former boy scout and self-described ‘rope dude’ based in Sydney, Australia. Before moving to Sydney 14 years ago, Rake was an active member of the NYC kink scene. “When I first got involved in kink 25 years ago personal rope wasn’t a big deal,” he told me, “There were like three or four of us in the straight New-York-City scene who were doing rope.”

Now, Rake is an active member of the Syndey kink community and is passionate about kink education and community. He organizes and assists workshops, classes, events, and even bondage competitions.

In its simplest definition, bondage is consensually tying and restricting a partner. Beyond that definition, emotionally, mentally, and physically bondage is more. Rake explained how rope bondage is a different type of closeness than other kinky activities such as flogging or whipping. “[With rope], for the next half an hour, 45 minutes whoever you’re playing with is going to be touching you and physically right next to you,” he said.“There’s a whole intimacy that rope gives you that certain other types of play don’t.”

First thing's first

“Going back to being a boy scout, there were two qualities in knots that are really important. One is that it’s secure and the second is that you can undo it,” Rake said.

However, in the case that you can't undo the tie or can't unto it quickly, you need to have an emergency option. “Always have safety scissors,” Rake stressed. These safety shears have a blunt edge which prevents you from stabbing the person when you’re cutting the rope and they have a lot of leverage which makes them stronger.

“The next most important thing: don’t cover someone’s neck and don’t cut off circulation, like in their wrists,” Rake said. That is not to say you can or should never tie wrists. “I tie wrists all the time,” Rake said, “but if you tie it wrong, the knot’s going to get tighter.” If it does, the tie will quickly cut off your partner’s circulation and you’d have to untie them within three minutes.

“Last thing would be that if anything goes wrong, don’t be afraid to call 911,” he said. “Believe me, they’ve seen it before.”

Communication

When doing rope with a partner, communication and a clear understanding of what you’re going to do to them is important. “One of the rules that I have is I’m not going to touch anything on your body that is covered,” Rake said. This means that if someone doesn’t want to be touched sexually, they would keep on their bra and underwear. “On the other hand," he added, "I’ve had people who when I told them that rule, they strip off right away.”

Rake also pushes anyone interested in rope to make a plan and stick to it. “One of the things I always tell people is 'do what you plan, finish the plan'.”

If, during the scene, there is an instinct from your partner or from you to do something different or extra, practice impulse control; finish what you planned, and then talk through this new idea outside of the scene. “You don’t want to break the trust, especially because when you have someone tied up, they’re putting all their trust in you,” Rake said.

Rope

So, what kind of rope do we use? “The easiest thing is to go to Home Depot and to get like a clothesline,” Rake said about buying rope. “If you think about Bettie Page and those pinup types, that’s what they used.”

If you do want to go a bit more serious or specific with the type of rope, Rake has a few recommendations for places to try. “If you want to get Hemp, the go-to person in the States is Twisted Monk,” he said. The Twisted Monk, established in 2004, carries rope kits, how-to books, and different colored ropes. Plus, if you need to cut your rope because of an emergency, they offer a free replacement.

For brightly colored synthetics he recommends Knot Head Nylon in Florida. “I would suggest Knot Head if you’re wanting to get something nice and soft,” Rake said, “[It’s especially good] for a beginner because you can wash it. A natural rope [like hemp or cotton] you can’t wash as easily.”

Beginner Ties

When it comes to beginner ties, Rake recommends starting out with a basic and safe cuff that doesn't tighten when pulled. "It's good for tying someone to the bed or other places where arms and feet aren't together," he wrote in an email.

Next, you can experiment with these ties:

Practice

Whatever tie you attempt, it likely won't be perfect on the first try. The rope will feel awkward in your hands, you'll lose tension on the tie, and the end result probably won't look as pretty as the pictures online.

Luckily you don't need a partner to hone your bondage skills and Rake even suggests practicing on inanimate objects before switching to a partner. With enough practice, you'll notice a flow to your ties. “If you’re doing it right, you’ll find your hands are in the right spot to continue,” Rake said.

To find this 'flow state' sooner, try pulling the rope through with one hand. “It’s always important, once you pull the rope, to make sure it stays tight,” Rake said, labeling this an 'advanced beginner still. Instead of pulling the piece of rope through with both hands and releasing tension in the rope, hold the rope that's already on your partner's body in place with one hand and pull the rest through with your second hand.

Finally, “accidents are gonna happen,” Rake said. Still, that’s no reason to jump in and rush to suspensions or other trickier ties. While the beginner ties might feel clunky and awkward at first, you need to be willing to slow down and give yourself space to really learn. Simply put: “don’t go too fast.”