SHAME: What is the most common advice you find yourself giving clients?
LE: Everyone is different and the advice is given individually, I don't give [general] advice to everybody. However, usually I would say it’s about two things: confidence and mindset. When it comes to confidence, sometimes people stop believing in themselves and that they deserve a good partner. When it comes to mindset, sometimes people go through a lot of emotional pain, through breakups, through unsuccessful stories and they create this mindset that dating isn’t working, that dating is hard. And they take this energy and they show it to the world. And when they are dating with this energy, they can't find a partner because in their mind, it's already not working.
SHAME: How can someone start "fixing" this negative outlook on dating?
LE: Start slowly by noticing people around you. It's a small exercise that you can do anytime, anywhere you go outside. You can go grocery shopping, you can go to the gym and start noticing people and look at a person and say to yourself “hmm, this person has a nice smile, I like his eyes.” Or “this person has some nice energy.” Just start really small by noticing people around you and start changing [the unhelpful mindset by noticing] that good people exist and attractive people exist and you would like to date them.
Start slowly [by noticing] everybody and then slowly “upgrade.” Maybe you give a little smile to a person that you like or maybe you say a small hello. Take a small step every time you do this exercise.
SHAME: How do we attract and connect with people who are compatible with us?
LE: Be yourself and really connect with yourself. Read books, find what is really important to you, what you're passionate about because that's what people want to connect with; they want to connect with your lifestyle and who you are. Don't be afraid of it. Put it out there and the connection will come.
I have a client who loves the outdoors, he works with wood, he's very handy, and he loves to go for walks in a forest. He also plays music and guitar and that's his world. It will be really difficult for [for him to connect with] somebody who has a passion for business and developing business ideas and lives in the city and loves the city. He needs to find a person who appreciates going to the forest, who would play music and that's where he needs to focus. So if you start showing [your passion], you will start attracting people that are attracted to the same thing as you are. If the guitar is your passion, you need to go to the music events. You have to maybe join groups that do hikes in the forest. You have to be part of the community that already does these things.
SHAME: Do you have advice on how to lead with your passion without dominating the conversation or being “too much”?
LE: On the first date, [the conversations] should be fairly 50/50. Ask the person about them but don't forget that you are also on a date and give them an opportunity to ask about you. Once the person asks about you, don't forget to share something really special about you and go into details. Sometimes I ask my clients, “what do you do for fun?” And they say “nothing.” And if they go on a date and they answer “nothing”, then there's nothing to connect with. I would say there’s three important things: don't forget to ask about the person, give them the opportunity to ask about you, and share yourself with your date when you are on a date.
SHAME: How do you identify what passions to lead with?
LE: What excites you when you wake up in the morning? Is it music? Is it hiking, biking? Figure out the passion that you want to live and start exploring and ask questions.
When it comes to confidence, sometimes people want to think big and they put a lot of pressure on themselves [because] when they think [of confidence], they think they need to be James Bond. And I would say start slow. Take it one step at a time. As I said early on our call, maybe the small step is that you lift your eyes and you connect with people around you. That could be the first step. Then the next week, try to say hello if that's something you feel comfortable with. Don't be so hard on yourself, take one step at a time. Find the area where you want to feel comfortable and confident in and write a list of things that you can do.
SHAME: Could you give an example of some of these steps?
LE: The steps are going to be different for everyone. As we talked about it earlier, the small step could be just noticing people around you. The big step could be joining a club, maybe a club for hiking as my client, or it could be creating a dating profile. [The step] could also be that you say hello to somebody in a gym. You have to evaluate where you are and what is in your power to do. The power is in small steps and feeling like “okay, I can do this.” Maybe there was a cute girl in the gym; this time I smiled at her but next time, I'll go and say hello to her.
SHAME: What if someone feels like they’re running out of time? Like these small steps aren’t taking them to their end goal of real love fast enough?
LE: Take bigger steps if you feel like you can do it. I have a client who came to me and said “I'm ready. I'm tired. I just want to do it. Tell me what to do.” So, we [defined] steps that were big steps for him. He never accomplished those big steps before but in three weeks he had a relationship. So if you are ready to take big steps, take them. That's your own journey.
When you’re feeling stressed out about how you're running out of the time and you're not finding the right partner you usually put a lot of stress on yourself and that stress is also going with you on dates and the other person is going to feel that stress from you. So, my advice in this area is to understand that you still have time. It's okay. The right person is going to come. You just need to put a little bit more work into your dating success.
To connect with Lucie directly, schedule a consultation through her dating firm Luvidya and follow her on Instagram.
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